Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Be the One Who Loves More

There is always a lot going on between two people in a relationship. But very often, much of what goes wrong in a relationship has to do with what's going on in our own minds. Most of us have a constant dialogue running in our heads, analyzing our relationship and informing us on how to behave. Instead of simply acting based on how we feel, we are advised by our "critical inner voice": "Don't be a fool." "Don't let her know how much you like her." "Don't tell him what you're really thinking." Although these thoughts may seem self-protective, they're actually self-sabotaging.

As we get close to someone, we must not listen to the critical inner voice that warns us not to "be a sucker" or "love too much." This doesn't mean choosing someone who doesn't love us at all or staying with someone who mistreats us. Rather, the goal is to develop into a giving person, a loving person. It's a worthy pursuit to learn to do extra things and go the extra mile to show love. Here are four tips on how to be more loving in your relationship:

1) Communicate what you feel. People often make a big deal of who says "I love you" first. Many people feel shy or foolish to be the first to admit their feelings. It's scary to take the plunge and tell someone how you feel, but it is also the only way for your relationship to survive. Avoid playing games or over-analyzing your partner's communication. Instead, think about how they make you feel and let them know how you feel toward them. There is always a chance you will get hurt or rejected when you put yourself out there, but it is still worth it for your own sake to take risks and let people know you for who you are.

2) Avoid the "tit for tat" mentality. Couples often get into trouble when they start quantifying what they do for each other. If you find yourself thinking or saying "I will only do this if you do that," you may be forming an unhealthy habit. Pretty soon, you might find yourself thinking, "Why should I clean the bedroom? He never lifts a finger!" or "Why should I be the one to go toward her and be affectionate? She always acts too busy for me anyway." Instead of thinking about what you'll get in return, try to be selfless in your giving. In other words, commit to acts of kindness with no strings attached. When you do this, it doesn't just make your partner feel loved; it makes you feel good.

3) Be sure to support and participate in the things that excite and interest your partner, which lights your partner up. If he or she loves to hike, take time to experience this passion alongside your partner. Encourage them to pursue their interests and the things that give their lives joy and meaning. You can expand your own world by being open to another person's. This doesn't mean sacrificing your own interests or giving up what makes you happy. It just means staying open to trying new things, so that your world is always expanding instead of getting smaller, which is a risk in many relationships.

4) Take actions your partner would perceive as loving. We might do things for our partner that suit us then feel hurt when our partner doesn't react the way we want them to. Maybe taking them out or buying them presents is something you consider worthwhile, but is it something that your partner values? Perhaps he or she would rather just spend a night at home, curled up next to you and watching a movie? Even a simple act, like picking up something they need at the drugstore or offering to make dinner, can be true expressions of love to the people close to us. When we consider what matters to them and respond accordingly, we show love and consideration that goes beyond ourselves.

Being loving is the best thing we can do for our own well-being, because it allows us to feel genuinely good about ourselves. It is a skill that benefits us in all of our relationships, with our friends and our children as well as our romantic partners. Plus, when we expand our own ability to love, we actually grow our capacity to be loved. It opens us up to new possibilities, while allowing us to feel a consistent sense of honesty and integrity within ourselves.

It is going to be tough because there is always one person in a relationship who loves more, cries more, get hurt most and even forgives more but do still: